Sweat Pearls Spell Peril
The alarm clock causes a burst of nauseating wake,
From pleasant dreams to sniping at my core.
In the sky hangs a Black Sun.
My serene safe haven ambushed, then overrun mercilessly.
My bed a fortress sporting staunch walls, unwavering.
Walls crumbling attacked by luminous light of the reckoning day,
dreams and comfort to looming, doomful gray.
My books mobilizing as an army marching on my desk,
Studious soldiers unphased and with armor impenetrable, inaccessible for me.
A rampage of black and hate and indignation.
Drafts of dossiers my daft attempts of arrows shooting in yearning,
Unnumbered angst filled hours, ample attempts of wrestling,
Cleaving through sweat-filled swamps,
and the ferocious fear of failure constantly close-up and closing in.
Skirmish I skim a fortnight’s perceived failed attempts,
Silently accepting their fate as torn and tossed paper orphans.
Focusing self-destructively on aberrations of presumed perfection,
Never reached and surely sinking into a sea of laughing stock,
I look at her face in the mirror, terrifying thoughts reign my mind unruly.
I avoid eye contact but feel sweat pearls spell peril.
The pale morning sky transforms in judge and jury, heartlessly sentencing,
This callous coward, unworthy, unwanted,
School is here, today's thoughts all tatters,
My thoughts and ideas mere slaves, whipped by impending perception of my merciless surrounding,
Desired confirmation recedes behind the horizon no matter my running attempts,
Validation remains a craving that escapes when I reach and grasp desperately.
The front door slams shut so definitely behind me,
Every step makes the world look more imposing.
I dread each simple step, the sky has countless judging, disapproving evil eyes,
My imperfect body overcome with anxiety, panic and pain,
For everyone to cast their stone.
My heart pounds like a drum between my ears, overruling all,
I’m translucid, desperately longing to disappear in thin air, never there…
Unwillingly, gravity pulls me down, even afraid to fall I land my foot and move forward against my hated will.
Even vehicles spit venom.
My limbs out of shape.
I stare in dismay at the hundreds of faces around me,
I take in their natural speech that never will be mine,
their easy laughs unreachable for me.
My own thoughts join the hunters that hunt me.
I greet those around me,
and hearing my voice I promise,
To never never speak again.